Here she is... Mrs. America! (Why is she wearing an igloo?)

Tonight, we have the unexpected pleasure of having Elena and the Wonder Elf visiting us here at Stately Sark Manor. You would think, since Simon and I don't see them that often, we would do something fun and exciting. You would think, at least, that we would leave the apartment. You would be wrong. Because why on earth would we go out when the greatest entertainment this side of motherf-ing snakes on motherf-ing planes is on televsion right this very minute.

Because tonight, ladies and gentleman, we have a Brand. New. Mrs. America! (I'll wait while you finish cheering.)

Anyone reading this would assume I've lost my mind. Actually, anyone reading this would assume I lost my mind somewhere around when I was waxing poetic about "Trapped in the Closet," but I digress. This is not your average beauty pageant. Hell, it's not even masquerading as a scholarship program. This is beauty pageant-ness boiled down to its very essence. It is proudly nothing more than Trophy Wives on Parade. And for the first five minutes, the trophy wives parade dressed like crabs and crucified sunflowers.

You read that right. There is an added element to the Mrs. America Pageant - the state costume contest. (This might actually be a part of Miss America as well, but I don't think it reaches this level of absurdity.) The contestants must make a costume that they feel represents their state. Many cop out and choose the state flower, with varying results (like the aforementioned crucified sunflower.) This year there were at least two fall foliage costumes, which we were hoping would lead to a fall foliage catfight, but no dice. Several contestants went the patriotic route, with most turning in costumes that looked like poor Wonder Woman imitations. And then there are those that go above and beyone. Mrs. Alaska showed up wearing an igloo, which she somehow thought would eliminate stereotypes of people from Alaska. Mrs. Hawaii, who could have dressed like a surfer or a Hawaiian goddess, opted to dress like a big red fish. Mrs. West Virginia chose to honor the hard work of those who toil in one of the most dangerous professions in the world by dressing as a sequined coal miner. How noble. From Elvis to Snow White, Seahawks to firebirds, monarch butterflies to...monarch butterflies, the contestants showed their skills with a needle and a glue gun as well as their tenouos grasp of their own state's history. In short, quality entertainment.

And if you're thinking that we've wasted two hours of our lives on mindless fluff, you're absolutely right. But we did learn one very important thing from host John O'Hurley's very own (and very pregnant) trophy wife, Lisa. Asked how she felt about being pregnant with her first child, she gave us this pearl of wisdom: "Pregnancy is a very important part of being a mother."

Thanks for clearing that up, Lisa. And now, if you excuse me, I have to go help Elena with her costume for next year's pageant. I think she's decided on an EZ-Pass.