Getting Past the Crazy

Celebrities are crazy by default. Anyone who willingly chooses to spend a life in front of cameras and on the covers of tabloids and subjects themselves to the constant scrutiny of the general public is, at the very least, afflicted with a serious case of narcissism and egomania. Maybe it's some sort of genetic mutation. Maybe when scientists finish mapping the whole human genome they will find that one piece that makes otherwise normal, talented (sometimes) people into raging attention whores.

Despite this, we still enjoy their exploits, from their movies and music to their endless parade of love interests. Whether we want to know it or not, we are aware of the latest betrayals, the latest couplings, the latest breakups, and the ever-present tabloid "bump-watch" for is-she-or-isn't-she-pregnant starlet you could think of. We accept it as part of the entertainment package. Even behavior that we would find abhorrent in the people we would likely associate with, we seem to forgive in celebrities. In essence, we get past the crazy.

But sometimes the celebrity and his/her personal brand of crazy become so completely intertwined that the celebrity basically becomes the crazy. And when that happens, it's never pretty. (Endlessly entertaining, of course, but not pretty.) In my exhaustive research, I've discovered some common forms of crazy that, when left unchecked, threatens to suck the unsuspecting celebrity down a blackhole of bad press that no publicist on earth can rescue them from.

RELIGION: Ah, yes. The preeminent crazy. Before I start getting hate mail, I'm not saying that believing in a religion makes you crazy. I honestly could not care less what someone believes, just as long as they don't try to force those beliefs on me. Which is exactly the point where this particular form of crazy takes hold. When celebrities start believing that their fame makes them the perfect figure to espouse the teachings of ________ to the world at large, then the crazy is starting to take over. Take, for example, Tom Cruise. Once the biggest movie star in the world and completely and utterly untouchable in the press, he is now public joke numero uno. Why? His crazy (Scientology) was always there, lurking in the shadows, but as a side note to his stellar career. Then he started jumping on couches on national television, professing his love for a former WB network TV starlet, and telling millions of women who suffer from post-partum depression that they can cure themselves with exercise and vitamins. After the public collectively picked its jaw up off the floor, the bloodbath began. Websites, late-night monologues, even the mainstream press had a field day. The result? Even though his movies may still do incredibly well (War of the Worlds succeeded spectacularly even though Cruise used the press junket as his own personal Scientology pulpit), you just can't look at him the same way. I, for one, hesitate at seeing new Tom Cruise movies that just a short while ago I would be waiting in line for opening night. Even the forthcoming M:I 3 has me on the fence, debating my loyalty to director J.J. Abrams versus my unwillingness to support the crazy. Jury's still out on that one. Cruise's crazy also has the distinction of taking down other people. A year ago, did you have any feelings towards Katie Holmes, good or bad? No, of course not. Unless you were a Dawson's Creek fan, you probably only had some vague awareness of her existence. Now? She's traded obscurity for front-page fame, but she's also traded a vocabulary for pre-written sound bites, friends for pre-approved Scientology puppetmasters, and consciousness for zombiehood. She didn't even have a chance to get into the goodwill of the public before the Cruise crazy took her out.

It's not just those "alternative" religions that cause a problem. Sometimes the old stand-bys cause just as many problems. Take Catholicism. I would wager that there are plenty of celebrities that would call themselves Catholic, but keep their religious life where it belongs - in their private life. But sometimes the Catholic crazy comes spilling out into their public lives and we get the same sort of wild-eyed, finger-wagging disaster the Mr. Cruise found himself in. Patricia Heaton goes on national television and tells the world that she would rather keep her children in a permanent vegetative state than show mercy and allow them to die in peace if they ever found themselves in a situation like Terri Schiavo. Mel Gibson uses his millions to make Jesus Chainsaw Massacre (I mean, The Passion of the Christ) in Aramaic, builds a chapel on his property, and basically becomes a crazy old hermit, complete with hermit beard. Result? I have no opinion about the future career prospects of Patricia Heaton, as I have never really watched anything she's done save for a few episodes of the allegedly funny Everybody Loves Raymond, but Mel Gibson? I loved Mel Gibson movies. Now I watch him playing crazy Riggs in Lethal Weapon and think to myself "Huh. Maybe he's not acting."

A special note to Madonna: You are in the danger zone. The crazy is creeping in. We know you are afflicted with a high level of egomania - that's why we loved you to begin with. But now you are denouncing your materialistic ways, writing children's books, and behaving like a proper English matron. I'm all for growing and maturing, but please don't forget what put you in a position to buy all those red-string bracelets and Kabballah water.


INFIDELITY: You know, we really have come to expect this of our celebrities. Ten years for a marriage is considered a lifetime by Hollywood standards. I, for one, while saddened by the demise of the Jennifer Aniston-Brad Pitt union, still have no problem seeing Brad Pitt movies, or Angelina Jolie movies, or Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie movies. (Seriously, go rent Mr. & Mrs. Smith - it's really good.) Maybe it's because the parties involved all managed to act like adults, despite the tabloid whirlwind spinning around them. But sometimes the pathological need to play around comes back to bite a celebrity in the ass. Take Jude Law. Excellent actor, hot in a sort-of pretty boy kind of way, pretty good choices of roles. We kind of looked past the infidelity that led to the end of his marriage to Sadie Frost and led to his relationship with Sienna Miller. He was still somewhat on the obscure side of fame at that point. Then he made eight thousand movies in one year, was named People's Sexiest Man Alive, bonked the nanny on the set of one of his movies leading to a public break-up with former other woman Sienna (who really shouldn't have been surprised), and was publicly branded an philandering asshole. Now when I see him, instead of thinking of him being an excellent actor or a total hottie, I think of his indiscriminate choice in women and realize he will bascially screw anything with breasts and a pulse. Pulse optional. Well-played Mr. Law. Well-played indeed.


ANGER MANAGEMENT (OR LACK THEREOF): Celebrities are a temperamental bunch. The tabloids are full of this feud and that feud, blow-ups on the set, diva demands, etc. Again, all part of the entertainment package. But when a celebrity's temper crosses the line from ego to pathology, then we have a problem. Prime example - Russell Crowe. He's probably one of the best actors working today. His movies rank among my favorites - The Insider, Gladiator. Hell, I even love Mystery, Alaska. All along, though, the crazy was lurking, rearing it's ugly head on sets, at awards shows, in the press. I developed a schizophrenic opinion of him - I loved onscreen Russell Crowe, not the psychotic lumberjack offscreen Russell Crowe. Then he went and attacked a concierge for a poor phone connection to Australia, and the offscreen Crowe overtook the onscreen Russell Crowe and my desire to see Cinderella Man went right out the window.


DRUG ABUSE: Again, comes with the territory. I think all of us realize that 90% of celebrities use or have used drugs of some sort. It's just that most of them manage to keep it to themselves. Even when the drug abuse spills into the press, we can still get past that particular crazy. Despite his highly-publicized battle with drug abuse, which included such bone-headed moves as breaking into a neighbor's house and passing out in their kid's bedroom, I'm still actively rooting for Robert Downey Jr. and will go see movies he is in without the crazy getting in the way. But can any of us actually look at Whitney Houston without thinking of what she was and what she's become? No, I didn't think so.


HAS-BEEN-ITIS: Possibly one of the most dangerous forms of the crazy, has-been-itis is the pathological need to remain in the public eye by any means necessary, even if the means are negative or humiliating. For proof of its existence, look no further than VH-1's Surreal Life, where former top celebrities live with wannabe celebrities in a garish house, forced to participate in inane tasks and engage in inane conversation, all while the cameras are rolling. It's like the ancient Roman colliseum for the reality-television era. Fortunately, appearing on a reality show usually indicates the last gasp for the afflicted before finally fading out of the public consciousness. However, in some cases, has-been-itis is contagious. One could argue that Whitney Houston's problems (see above) are a result of husband Bobby Brown's has-been-itis. Currently, a troubling case of has-been-itis is being played out in the union of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Affleck used to be an A-list actor, one that I personally held no ill-will towards. Then he allowed his relationship with Jennifer Lopez to play out in the tabloids (and you can't tell me that the two of them aren't largely responsible for that media blitz). Suddenly, he ceased to be Ben Affleck and became part of Bennifer, ushering in the era of nauseating celebrity couple nicknames. When the relationship ended, he never regained his previous identity and drifted from ill-advised movie to ill-advised movie, eventually meeting Jennifer Garner on the set of the truly awful Daredevil, and, after she broke it of with on- and off-screen love Michael Vartan, impregnating then marrying her. It is a bad sign when former fans, instead of expressing happiness for the impending arrival of your bundle of joy, instead refer to it as the Spawn of Affleck. Now, even though Garner's career is still on the hot list, her trademark show is crippled by her pregancy and she has become part of the entity known as Garfleck. (Or Bennifer II, depending on which tabloid you read.) There is hope though. Affleck seems to have recognized the danger he is in and pulled back, appearing only occasionally in paparazzi shots and cutting back on the movies. Cross your fingers, folks.

Interestingly, there is a corrollary crazy to has-been-itis - never-been-itis. I would argue that Sienna Miller is a victim of never-been-itis, as I cannot figure out what she's done in a professional capacity that warrants the amount of press she's given. A clearer example is Kevin "Cletus" Federline, who's burning desire to be famous for something other than impregnating Britney Spears has led to his questionable career move as a would-be rap star. He seems to only have succeeded in making a mockery of himself, inspiring his wife to return to her white-trash nature, and setting up his son for a lifetime of Spawn of Cletus jokes. The most famous example of never-been-itis is, of course, Paris Hilton who has made her crazy into a career. This is a woman who has never in her life done anything worthwhile, shown any level of talent in anything (even sex), said anything even remotely intelligent, or even given any hint whatsoever that she is, in fact, human and not a walking, talking, posing STD. Yet, she has managed to achieve a mind-boggling worldwide fame that scientists and anthropologists a centruy from now will not be able to explain. Sadly, in this case, because Paris and her crazy are one in the same and we have no examples of what she once was to look fondly back on, she shows no signs of going away. We can only hope that someday soon one of her rats-masquerading-as-dogs contracts rabies and kills her in her sleep.

There are obviously more forms of crazy, and more examples of celebrities for whom the crazy has become all-consuming, than I have listed. The key to rescuing future victims of the crazy is identifying their symptoms early and intervening before the crazy has a chance to grow. I suggest a system of tagging and monitoring potential victims, and intensive remote therapy for the most severe cases. Electro-shock maybe? Wouldn't that be great? Tom Cruise on a talk show launches into a Scientology-laced lecture when suddenly ZAP!!! He falls convulsing to the floor. Britney and Cletus are about to engage in a public make-out session in front of television cameras when ZAP!!! Enough electricity to permanently remove Cletus' non-beard. Paris Hilton is posing on the red carpet for the umpteenth million time and is about to start promoting her new album when ZAP!!! She crumples to the ground unmoving. Because she is dead. Because someone accidentally set her electro-shock therapy too high.

Just a thought. May Xenu be with you.