J.J. Abrams...

...are you TRYING to kill me?

Oscar Quest Review: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Sigh.

I wanted to like it. I wanted to be able to say that I was blown away...that the George Lucas I remember from my childhood had returned with a satisfying story about the creation of one of the greatest villians. Ever. I wanted to be able to tell everyone that the naysayers (myself included) were wrong and Georgie boy pullled it off at the last second. I wanted it to be good, dammit, to be worthy of carrying the title Star Wars

Now I'm just glad Lucas can't hurt me anymore.

The plot I'm sure you already know. With the Republic at war with the Separatist movement, Anakin Skywalker, now a full-fledged Jedi Knight, finds himself turning towards the Dark Side of the Force under the influence of Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, thus becoming Darth Vader. You would think that with George Lucas saying for nearly 30 years that he had the whole story mapped out that the plot wouldn't be so disjointed. You would be wrong. The parts dealing with the war, with various Jedis fighting on various planets, are drawn out I susupect so Industrial Light and Magic can show off their CGI skills. But the parts dealing with Anakins descent are rushed, and his reasons for turning are forced, to say the least. The acting is again atrocious, except for Ewan MacGregor as Obi-Wan who clearly needs better material. The dialogue, painful. But since those flaws were present in the first two, it really isn't a surprise in the third one. The special effects are extraordinary again, at least from a technical standpoint. But what Lucas hasn't figured out is that special effects alone do not give life to a movie. Every ship, every planet, every alien being, everything is so pristine that it all becomes cold and flat.

But let's be real. For fans, the important thing about this movie is whether it answers the questions we all have. So let's explore those answers (SPOILER WARNING)

Anakin's descent The major question driving the prequels- how did Anakin become Darth Vader? Well, according to Lucas, he did it all for love. After having visions of Padme dying in childbirth, Anakin starts going down the path to the Dark Side so that he can learn the Sith ways of controlling life and death. Thrown in there for extra measure are Anakin's annoyance with the Jedi council for allowing him to sit on the council (at Palplatine's order) but not granting him the rank of Master. So is that a satisfying answer to the Vader question? Well, yes and no. I would be willing to believe that Anakin's descent was based on a fear of losing Padme if I believed the love story to begin with. Lucas clearly wants us to think that Anakin and Padme are one of the great tragic love stories of the ages, but Hayden Christiansen and Natalie Portman have zero chemistry and Lucas writes such wooden dialogue, that it's hard to buy their love would lead him to slaughter Jedis (and Jedi younglings- one of the only emotional scenes in the movie). The whole thing has roughly the same weight as Anakin becoming evil because Padme wouldn't go to the prom with him.

The birth of Luke and Leia This is actually answered in a fairly satisfying way. Anakin strangles Padme (with the cool Vader touch we all know and love) and leaves her near death to fight Obi-Wan on the volcanic planet Mustafar. Anakin gets deep-fried, and Obi-Wan leaves with the injured Padme, who gives birth to the twins and promptly croaks. Palpatine finds Anakin horribly burned and legless and turns him into the more-machine-than-man Vader (answering the question of how Anakin grew at least a foot when he put on the Vader costume- new legs!). When Anakin asks for Padme, Palpatine tells him that Anakin kille her in her anger. Thus, there is no reason for Vader to look for his kids since he would believe that they died with her. Still not explained: why Obi-Wan would let Luke keep the surname Skywalker in hiding and why Vader couldn't sense that Leia was his daughter when standing right next to her. And small quibble: the first words spoken by Vader in the James Earl Jones Vader voice should be something a bit more eloquent than "Where's Padme?"

The formation of the Rebel Alliance How did the Alliance form? No idea. Lucas apparently didn't think it was important, or is holding out that information for the alleged television series. Something I read indicated that there were scenes filmed of Padme forming the Alliance, but I guess those will just have to wait for the DVD.

How Han and Chewie meet Again no idea. I guess we're lucky that Solo escaped the prequel treatment, but I'd still like to see that story.

What does Alderaan look like Yay! We saw Alderaan! For a whole 8 seconds!

In the end, my complaints about Sith are the same as the other two. Too heavy a reliance on special effects. Terrible casting for Anakin, terrible acting all around. Unnatural dialogue. Poor plotting. Lucas' need to come up with brand new species and planets that have never been seen before, instead of showing us the homeworlds of the aliens we already know (like Ackbar or the Bothans, many of whom will die to bring us information). My rating? Two glasses of Chateau Petrus, thrown in the face of the Lucas clone.

Oscar chances: Technical award nominations only. Special effects, sound editing etc. And I hope it gets its ass kicked in special effects by something else.

DAMN YOU, GEORGE LUCAS!

What. The. Hell. Was. That?

Joopiter's Highly Scientific List of People Who Are Currently Smoking Crack

It's Highly Scientific! So don't sue me!

1. The Network Executives at ABC for moving Alias into the timeslot of death (Thursdays at 8 pm), thus breaking up the highly successful J.J. Abrams Lost/Alias block on Wednesday night, in the mistaken belief that Alias will fare better against Survivor than it did against American Idol. Also, for believing that the proper lead-ins to their hit sci-fi/adventure/mystery/drama Lost are two sitcoms, one of which stars Freddie Prinze, Jr. Good thinking, guys. That's definitely the same audience.

2. The Fashion Industry for many, many reasons but in this case for its embellishment fetish. I'm talking about the bows and the lace and the hoops and the rivets and the beads. Oh, dear god, the beads.

3. The Pro-Abstinence Movement for actually coming out AGAINST a possible vaccine for HPV, the sexually transmitted disease that is present in 93% of cases of ovarian cancer, because it may cause women to engage in pre-marital sex. Let me say that again. They are against a possible CURE FOR CANCER because it may lead to women having sex before marriage. And they have the ear of the president. Greeeeat...

4. Lindsay Lohan for trying to convince the world that her breasts are real by losing so much weight they have disappeared. Yeah, that'll learn 'em, Lindsay.

Citizens Rebelling Against Stupid Societies

In this country, we like to protest. From politics to high prices to popular entertainment- you name it, we'll protest it. But gone are the days of marching in the streets with protest songs and handmade banners. No, today's righteously enraged have chosen a different tool to make their views known. Organizations with "clever" acronyms. And their numbers are legion.

In response to the ever-increasing number of truly stupid people protesting truly stupid things, I decided to fight fire with fire. Thus was born Citizens Rebelling Against Stupid Societies, or C.R.A.S.S. Our mission? To seek out the ridiculously sensitive and overly organized and expose them for attention whores they are.

The following are the first three C.R.A.S.S. targets, which originally appeared in email form to loyal members of the C.R.A.S.S. army. Future rants will appear here as the need arises. And remember... C.R.A.S.S. kicks ass, baby. C.R.A.S.S. kicks ass.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: CRASS TAKES ON ALBINO FREAKS

January 7, 2005- The head of the newly formed Citizens Rebelling Against Stupid Societies (CRASS) condemned the statement made by the National Organization of Albinism and Hyperpigmentation (NOAH) that the portrayal of albinos in the best-selling novel The DaVinci Code represented an attack on the albino community. In a statement released to the press, CRASS president Joopiter wrote:

"NOAH's claim that the character of Silas is an unfair portrayal of albinos is completely ridiculous. Silas is a murderer. He is a pyschopath. He is a religious whackjob. And he just happens to be an albino. Nowhere in the book is it claimed that his less desirable traits are a result of his albinism."

Joopiter also denounced NOAH's attempts to influence the film version of the book and hinted at a possible CRASS counter-protest should the filmmakers capitulate to NOAH's demands.

"CRASS recognizes the need to respect everyone, despite their differences, but NOAH's attempts to alter Mr. Brown's story sounds more like whining than a legitimate complaint. Perhaps the members of NOAH need to collectively grow some thicker, freakishly white skin. Besides, there are more pressing concerns regarding the movie version of The DaVinci Code. I
mean, Tom Hanks? Did the filmmakers even read the book?"

C.U.D.D.L.E. THIS, YOU FREAKS!

April 5, 2005 - It's been fairly quiet on the Stupid Society front, what with the 24 hour TerriWatch (although you could argue that the Republicans themselves are a Stupid Society) and then PopeTV.

Quiet, that is, until now. From CNN:

Cousins' marriage highlights relationship controversy

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania (AP) -- It began as the kind of childhood crush that often becomes family lore
shared at reunions years later.

Eventually, first cousins Donald W. Andrews Sr. and Eleanore Amrhein realized they had a deeper love and wanted to wed. It couldn't happen in their home state of Pennsylvania, though, or 23 other states that prohibit first cousins from marrying each other.

Instead, they tied the knot in Maryland last month.

"This is a decision me and my husband have made on our own. We never thought of it being publicized," said Eleanor Andrews, 37. "We didn't want the publicity. We wanted the rights like anybody had the rights."

Their nuptials highlight a relationship that often draws scorn, yet advocates say is equally misunderstood. Such marriages are common in the Middle East, Asia and Africa and are legal in Europe and Canada.

In the United States, 26 states and the District of Columbia allow first cousins to wed, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures. Of those, five have requirements aimed at preventing reproduction and one state requires genetic
counseling.

Robin Bennett, associate director of the medical genetics clinic at the University of Washington, said that laws prohibiting cousins from marrying are "a form of genetic discrimination."

Bennett led a 2002 study on risks of genetic problems in children born in such marriages. The study found that children born to couples who are first or second cousins have a lower risk for birth defects than commonly perceived.

On average, an unrelated couple has an approximately 3 percent to 4 percent risk of having a child with a birth defect, significant mental retardation or serious genetic disease.

Close cousins face an additional risk of 1.7 percent to 2.8 percent, according to the study, funded by the National Society of Genetic Counselors, and the U.S. Health and Human Services Department.

Christie Smith, 40, founded Cousins United to Defeat Discriminating Laws through Education, in 2002 to overturn laws banning such marriages. So far, the group hasn't found much success.

"People don't like what they don't understand," said Smith, who fell in love with her husband after seeing him at a family reunion.

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First of all, unless you are seeking endangered species protection for a Care Bear, naming your organization C.U.D.D.L.E. is begging for an ass kicking.

Second, FAMILY REUNIONS ARE NOT DATING SHOWS! I don't care if the risk of birth defects is lower than orginally thought. It's not a matter of people not liking what they don't understand. It's more of an understanding in the general populace that you are supposed to spread the genes around.

Third, if you need further evidence why this is wrong just take a look at the British Royal Family (excluding William, who was obviously fathered by someone else entirely).


NOT A FAAN

Monster-in-Law' Drives Allergy Advocates Nuts

Tue, May 10, 2005, 11:05 AM PT

LOS ANGELES (Zap2it.com)- The creative team behind New Line's Friday (May 13) release "Monster-in-Law" think that food-based allergies are a viable source of humor. The Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Network (FAAN) begs to differ.

FAAN is charging "Monster-in-Law" with sending a careless message to viewers in a scene that finds Jane Fonda's character attempting to off her future daughter-in-law (Jennifer Lopez) by sneaking nuts into her food. In an outraged statement, FAAN worries that the "Monster-in-Law" hilarity will inspire copycat food spiking and will give viewers the impression that watching people get puffy is funny, rather than dangerous stuff.

"Better examples need to be set," charges Anne Munoz-Furlong, FAAN's founder. "I doubt New Line Cinema would permit a scene where a diabetic would be given an overdose of insulin. We are seeing more Hollywood movies and shows portraying food allergies in an unsafe and very uneducated light. Just recently the movie 'Hitch' and an episode of 'The Simpsons' poked fun at individuals with food allergies. In real life, food allergies are no laughing matter."

According to FAAN, roughly 11 million Americans suffer from some form of food-based allergies and between 150 and 200 people each year die from food allergies they never knew they had.

Although "Monster-in-Law" is ostensibly a comedy, FAAN is just the latest advocacy group to express an
absence of amusement. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals protested the film's April 29
premiere because of Lopez's love of fur and the use of fur in her Sweetface fashion collection.

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As a food allergy sufferer myself who lives in fear of milk products, I too am offended by this patent disregard of the plight of food allergy sufferers everywhere. Except that, you know, I'm not. I guess springtime just brings out the nutcases. Pun intended.

Personally, I think the greater offense to mankind is that out of all the hundreds of scripts she's been offered over the past 15 years, Jane Fonda chose to make her grand comeback starring opposite J-Lo. Pop culture armageddon is upon us, my friends. Take cover.

Oscar Quest Review: The Interpreter

Okay, housecleaning time. Since I haven't posted in a month and I happen to be home from work today (which has nothing at all to do with it being my birthday. Nope. Not a thing.), I think it's a good time to get some entries up so this blog looks less...pathetic.

First up, the Oscar Quest Review of The Interpreter.

The Interpreter really, really wants to be a taut, intelligent political thriller. It's gotten itself all dressed up in an Oscar-winning cast, sprayed just a hint of Eau de Hitchcock, and headed off to the theater in search of a sophisticated and discerning audience. Among the other desperate tramps screaming for attention at the box office, The Interpreter smiles coyly and says "Choose me" with a promise that, unlike the latest J-Lo flick, this time you won't feel guilty in the morning. It wants to be the movie you tell all your friends about and call on again. But, sadly, in the morning you've forgotten all about it. Just like J-Lo.

A bit of plot: Silvia Broome (Nicold Kidman) is the interpreter of the title, working at the United Nations and trying her hardest not to start global thermonuclear war by misinterpreting someone's request for coffee as a declaration of war. We assume that Silvia has a mastery of many languages, but we only get to see her mad interpreting skillz when everybody suddenly starts speaking Ku, the tribal language of her African homeland. One night, after hours, Silvia returns to work to retrieve some things she left in the interpreting booth and overhears an assassination plot (spoken in Ku, of course) against the dictatorial leader of aforementioned African homeland, who will be addressing the General Assembly in just a few short days. Enter Tobin Keller (Sean Penn), a U.S. Secret Service agent assigned to investigate Silvia's story. Keller doesn't believe her, then he does, then he doesn't again and people start dying and things start exploding and twists start happening and... well, you get the idea.

The Interpreter is not a bad movie. (A poorly paced one, but not a bad one.) I enjoyed it while watching it, despite the plot relying way too much on twists and coincidences. But given the people involved, I would have thought the movie would be a little more...memorable. I am writing this review a month after seeing the film, and I'll be damned if I can really remember the details of the plot. I give The Interpreter two and half glasses of Chateau Petrus.

Oscar chances: Slim. It's way too early in the season and the movie is just not good enough to be remembered when the ballots go out. Sydney Pollack has a tiny chance at director, but that would be more for who he is than the movie itself. I can't see where the film stands out in any of the technical awards. In fact, The Interpreter's best chance at an Oscar is if the Academy adds a new award this year. Best Peformance by a Building in a Supporting Role goes to...the United Nations.