An Open Letter to...
...Old Navy: Please stop cannibalizing my youth by taking songs from the 80's and turning them into jingles. It's bad enough trying to explain to children that "Our Lips Are Sealed" is sung by the Go-Go's, not the Duff Sisters, and that Michael Jackson used to be the coolest thing on the planet instead of the alien freak he is now. Now we've got to convince them that your jingles are actual songs with actual words that have nothing to do with shorts or tunics. Write your own damn songs or use the original versions.
...Men with Hummers: Guys, really. Who do you think you're impressing? Or, for that matter, who do you think you're fooling? When women see guys driving Hummers for purposes other than legitimate military excercises, they think one thing and one thing only. Overcompensation. Do yourselves a favor and answer your natural male enhancement spam. It's cheaper. And while I'm on that subject...
...Suburban lemmings driving Land Rovers: Before you buy a Land Rover, take this little test. Go outside. Look around you. Do you see any of the following: antelope, elephants, giraffes, or any other animal that appears on the spare tire cover on the back of your potential purchase? If the answer is "no," congratulations. You are not currently residing in the Serengeti. You do not need a Land Rover. Now go buy yourself a hybrid. (Test inspired by Simon God of Hairdos)
...Patrick Dempsey: In the interest of science, Mr. Dempsey, can you please explain how you evolved from uber-geek in the 80's to super-smokin' hot now? The female population would like to know so we can identify future Dempseys when they are young. Thank you.
...Network executives: Admit it. You have open contempt for your viewing audience. You're not even trying to hide it now. Whether it's subjecting us to Paris Hilton, claiming that dredge like "The Swan" is entertainment and not a sign of the end of days, starting your shows a minute early or running them a minute late so that taping them is impossible, or running three repeat episodes for every new episode of a show, your passive-aggressive maneuvers are obvious. You hate us. I suggest anger-management for all of you. It's okay...we'll take over while you're gone. It will be better for all of us.
...Movie Patrons: Shut up. Turn your cell phone off. Don't kick my seat. Leave your hell-spawn at home. If you can't recognize that a movie theater is not your living room, you are not grown-up enough to go to the movies.
...The aliens who have kidnapped George Lucas and replaced him with a clone: Very clever, guys. Very clever, indeed. We might never have figured it out. Unfortunately for you, your clone is a little defective. The real George Lucas wouldn't put out crap like The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones and call it Star Wars. The real George Lucas wouldn't tinker with the original trilogy to make it match the craptacular prequels. The real George Lucas couldn't even conceive of a "character" like Jar Jar Binks. And the real George Lucas knows that GREEDO DID NOT SHOOT FIRST! So, what's your game? Are the invasion plans hidden in the prequels and you're just waiting for Revenge of the Sith to come out to make your final move? Did you recognize that a generation of Star Wars fans were your most powerful enemies and you decided to get rid of us by giving us a collective aneurysm? It doesn't matter now, because we're onto you. So give us back the real George Lucas and we'll pretend this never happened. And while you're at it, could you return the real Harrison Ford? The clone version is just embarassing.
...J.J. Abrams: You're doing great this season, J.J. Really, you are. Slow start, yes, but now we're really moving. Just a few minor quibbles. 1) Marshall is funny. Use him more. 2) Vaughn is boring. Use him less. 3) Jack Bristow rocks. If you make him evil or kill him (even temporarily), I will have to hurt you. 4) Sark is hot. BRING HIM BACK NOW!!!
Sincerely,
Joopiter
...Men with Hummers: Guys, really. Who do you think you're impressing? Or, for that matter, who do you think you're fooling? When women see guys driving Hummers for purposes other than legitimate military excercises, they think one thing and one thing only. Overcompensation. Do yourselves a favor and answer your natural male enhancement spam. It's cheaper. And while I'm on that subject...
...Suburban lemmings driving Land Rovers: Before you buy a Land Rover, take this little test. Go outside. Look around you. Do you see any of the following: antelope, elephants, giraffes, or any other animal that appears on the spare tire cover on the back of your potential purchase? If the answer is "no," congratulations. You are not currently residing in the Serengeti. You do not need a Land Rover. Now go buy yourself a hybrid. (Test inspired by Simon God of Hairdos)
...Patrick Dempsey: In the interest of science, Mr. Dempsey, can you please explain how you evolved from uber-geek in the 80's to super-smokin' hot now? The female population would like to know so we can identify future Dempseys when they are young. Thank you.
...Network executives: Admit it. You have open contempt for your viewing audience. You're not even trying to hide it now. Whether it's subjecting us to Paris Hilton, claiming that dredge like "The Swan" is entertainment and not a sign of the end of days, starting your shows a minute early or running them a minute late so that taping them is impossible, or running three repeat episodes for every new episode of a show, your passive-aggressive maneuvers are obvious. You hate us. I suggest anger-management for all of you. It's okay...we'll take over while you're gone. It will be better for all of us.
...Movie Patrons: Shut up. Turn your cell phone off. Don't kick my seat. Leave your hell-spawn at home. If you can't recognize that a movie theater is not your living room, you are not grown-up enough to go to the movies.
...The aliens who have kidnapped George Lucas and replaced him with a clone: Very clever, guys. Very clever, indeed. We might never have figured it out. Unfortunately for you, your clone is a little defective. The real George Lucas wouldn't put out crap like The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones and call it Star Wars. The real George Lucas wouldn't tinker with the original trilogy to make it match the craptacular prequels. The real George Lucas couldn't even conceive of a "character" like Jar Jar Binks. And the real George Lucas knows that GREEDO DID NOT SHOOT FIRST! So, what's your game? Are the invasion plans hidden in the prequels and you're just waiting for Revenge of the Sith to come out to make your final move? Did you recognize that a generation of Star Wars fans were your most powerful enemies and you decided to get rid of us by giving us a collective aneurysm? It doesn't matter now, because we're onto you. So give us back the real George Lucas and we'll pretend this never happened. And while you're at it, could you return the real Harrison Ford? The clone version is just embarassing.
...J.J. Abrams: You're doing great this season, J.J. Really, you are. Slow start, yes, but now we're really moving. Just a few minor quibbles. 1) Marshall is funny. Use him more. 2) Vaughn is boring. Use him less. 3) Jack Bristow rocks. If you make him evil or kill him (even temporarily), I will have to hurt you. 4) Sark is hot. BRING HIM BACK NOW!!!
Sincerely,
Joopiter
posted by joopiter at 4/16/2005 12:55:00 PM
5 Comments:
Dearest Joopiter,
I bow to your righteous blogger rage, o snarky one, drinking it in and enjoying it thoroughly.
So satisfying. How soon till you crack open another one?
Sincerely,
M.O.R.
Ahem.
Attention all of the people in polo-type shirts with the collar up in Georgetown today:
It is not the early 1980s, when the preppy look was chic. You are not impressing anyone with an ounce of sense. Please, for the love of god (or not god, if you're a preppy athiest) don't let any fashion magazine, your stupid drug-addled friends, or that homeless guy in front of The Walking Company talk you into committing this fashion crime again. If I wanted a time warp, I'd watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or any episode of Star Trek that deals with the besmirching of time lines. Even Enterprise.
Also: Paying that much money for a Lacoste shirt does not make you cool; it makes you a spendthrift, and you do not deserve whatever riches you have. You should forefit them to me, and I'll put them to good use.
Thank you.
Elena
Inspired by Elena:
An Open Letter to...
...Fashion Designers: Ohhhh...I get it now. It's all a big game to you, isn't it? All of you little fashion people got together and decided that it would be really hilarious to see what you could get the Average Joe (or Jane) to wear. Like right now. You're trying to convince the public that 80's fashion is TOTALLY IN but really what you're doing is seeing how many suckers you can get to wear preppie shirts, neon leg warmers, and articles of clothing that have been recently attacked by a psycho wielding a BeDazzler. The whole thing was started by Donatella, wasn't it? I knew it.
So do the people who guess the game get to know the location of the store with the real people clothes?
I think they're spending WAY too much time in Palm Beach, because that's the only place on the planet where this stuff looks normal. The colors, styles, etc.
Elena
Ladies. In Moscow, where women are teeny tiny )they are small-framed to being with, but it is compounded by the fact that NONE OF THEM EAT EVER!), you can't get decent clothes - OR JEANS - over a size 8.
And the clothes here.....shudder.
Purple feathered boots.
Hats with TAILS on them.
Sweatshirts worn as off-the-shoulder dresses.
SAVE ME.
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