An Open Letter to...

...Old Navy: Please stop cannibalizing my youth by taking songs from the 80's and turning them into jingles. It's bad enough trying to explain to children that "Our Lips Are Sealed" is sung by the Go-Go's, not the Duff Sisters, and that Michael Jackson used to be the coolest thing on the planet instead of the alien freak he is now. Now we've got to convince them that your jingles are actual songs with actual words that have nothing to do with shorts or tunics. Write your own damn songs or use the original versions.

...Men with Hummers: Guys, really. Who do you think you're impressing? Or, for that matter, who do you think you're fooling? When women see guys driving Hummers for purposes other than legitimate military excercises, they think one thing and one thing only. Overcompensation. Do yourselves a favor and answer your natural male enhancement spam. It's cheaper. And while I'm on that subject...

...Suburban lemmings driving Land Rovers: Before you buy a Land Rover, take this little test. Go outside. Look around you. Do you see any of the following: antelope, elephants, giraffes, or any other animal that appears on the spare tire cover on the back of your potential purchase? If the answer is "no," congratulations. You are not currently residing in the Serengeti. You do not need a Land Rover. Now go buy yourself a hybrid. (Test inspired by Simon God of Hairdos)

...Patrick Dempsey: In the interest of science, Mr. Dempsey, can you please explain how you evolved from uber-geek in the 80's to super-smokin' hot now? The female population would like to know so we can identify future Dempseys when they are young. Thank you.

...Network executives: Admit it. You have open contempt for your viewing audience. You're not even trying to hide it now. Whether it's subjecting us to Paris Hilton, claiming that dredge like "The Swan" is entertainment and not a sign of the end of days, starting your shows a minute early or running them a minute late so that taping them is impossible, or running three repeat episodes for every new episode of a show, your passive-aggressive maneuvers are obvious. You hate us. I suggest anger-management for all of you. It's okay...we'll take over while you're gone. It will be better for all of us.

...Movie Patrons: Shut up. Turn your cell phone off. Don't kick my seat. Leave your hell-spawn at home. If you can't recognize that a movie theater is not your living room, you are not grown-up enough to go to the movies.

...The aliens who have kidnapped George Lucas and replaced him with a clone: Very clever, guys. Very clever, indeed. We might never have figured it out. Unfortunately for you, your clone is a little defective. The real George Lucas wouldn't put out crap like The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones and call it Star Wars. The real George Lucas wouldn't tinker with the original trilogy to make it match the craptacular prequels. The real George Lucas couldn't even conceive of a "character" like Jar Jar Binks. And the real George Lucas knows that GREEDO DID NOT SHOOT FIRST! So, what's your game? Are the invasion plans hidden in the prequels and you're just waiting for Revenge of the Sith to come out to make your final move? Did you recognize that a generation of Star Wars fans were your most powerful enemies and you decided to get rid of us by giving us a collective aneurysm? It doesn't matter now, because we're onto you. So give us back the real George Lucas and we'll pretend this never happened. And while you're at it, could you return the real Harrison Ford? The clone version is just embarassing.

...J.J. Abrams: You're doing great this season, J.J. Really, you are. Slow start, yes, but now we're really moving. Just a few minor quibbles. 1) Marshall is funny. Use him more. 2) Vaughn is boring. Use him less. 3) Jack Bristow rocks. If you make him evil or kill him (even temporarily), I will have to hurt you. 4) Sark is hot. BRING HIM BACK NOW!!!

Sincerely,
Joopiter

Oscar Quest Review: Sin City

A little history... A few years ago, the aforementioned Simon, God of Hairdos and I embarked on what we now call "Oscar Quest." The object of the Quest was to see as many nominated films as possible before that year's Oscar telecast, with the intent of looking incredibly smart at our annual Oscar Party. It's a year-long endeavor, which requires careful research of Oscar buzz and a few sacrifices on our part, such as having to endure "Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron." We have succeeded at varying degrees, one year coming within five movies, give or take, of the grand goal. But in recent years, the price of movie tickets and planning for the Oscar Party has made Questing darn near impossible. This year, however, the Quest is back. So I present to you the first Oscar Quest movie review: Sin City.*

Prevailing logic would say "If you don't like comic books, you won't like 'Sin City.'" I'm going to modify that to "If you hate comic books, you're going to hate 'Sin City.'" I'm not a huge comic fan, but I appreciate the medium and I understood what the filmmakers were trying to do here. The movie is, in fact, a living comic book, taken directly from Frank Miller's graphic novels. During many of the voice-overs, I could almost envision the words on the screen in the familiar comic book type. All it was missing were those white bars separating panel from panel. Shot all in black and white with a few splashes of color, the visuals were stunning.

Cool effects, however, does not a movie make. (Are you listening, George Lucas?) The plot of 'Sin City' is not deep by any stretch of the imagination. It's not supposed to be. The three vignettes are tales of murder, revenge and other sorts of nastiness inflicted on the (mostly corrupt) denizens of Basin City. The violence level is extreme, but not in a cringe-worthy, nausea-inducing kind of way. Of the three, I was partial to the Bruce Willis story, but that could be because I'm kind of a fan of Bruno (who is aging nicely, I might add.) Mickey Rourke proves that he's still got the acting chops, and a surprising ability to enunciate. Elijah Wood and Alexis Bledel make an attempt to break type by engaging in conduct unbecoming a Hobbit and a Gilmore Girl, respectively. And Clive Owen makes a valient effort to live up to his hype, but only sort-of succeeds at it. (At least he had more energy and emotion in this than, say, "King Arthur." *shudder*) Overall, the three stories were engaging, but I thought that all of them lasted at least 20 minutes too long.

So what's the final score? Not the best movie I've ever seen, but enjoyable enough. I raise 3 1/2 glasses of Chateau Petrus to Sin City (out of a possible five.)

Oscar Chances: Visual effects and probably sound editing. While Robert Rodriguez is one of those "buzz" directors, his battle with DGA over giving Frank Miller a director's credit probably eliminates him from the Best Director competition. You could make a case for adapted screenplay, but since the dialogue is lifted directly from the graphic novel, there's really not much to "adapt." Probably no acting awards, although there's a slim chance for Mickey Rourke in the comeback category. Score, maybe, but it's only April and we haven't even reached "epic" season yet.

* Technically, the first Oscar Quest movie for this year is "Robots," but since I saw it a couple of weeks ago and can't remember a damn thing about it, I'm not going to give it a review. But expect it to show up in the Best Animated Feature category.